I usually dream of relapsing. I dream that I go to a bar with friends and drink like I used to. Sometimes I regret drinking in the moment and other times I enjoy it. I always wake up to a guilty feeling and a knot in my stomach.
Last night the dream was different and I think it’s a culmination of a few things.
I haven’t told many people directly that I am no longer drinking. I could list them…
Sara, Dave, Kara, Corinne, Casey, Chris, Sophie, Laura, Mom, Dad, Kate.
That’s not a lot of people. I’ve kept it that way on purpose. Moving forward if a friend asks why I’m not drinking I will be honest and tell them but so far no one has asked.
That brings us to this weekend. I went camping with friends up in the mountains and of course it involved two nights with a camp fire and drinking. This first night was fine because the group was smaller, maybe 6 to 8 of us around the fire. The second night however there were 18 people. As far as I could tell everyone was drinking and several people got very drunk, including my boyfriend, not cool. No one asked why I was drinking La Croix and passing the fireball away as quickly as I possibly could.
So I had dream in which someone accused me of being drunk. I was surrounded by drunk people but I wasn’t drunk in my dream. I screamed as this person. I got really mad.
“I’m not drunk, I’m over four months sober!!”
“I stopped drinking!!”
“I gave up alcohol completely!!”
I’m happy to see myself owning my decision even it was just a dream. Perhaps this is something I subconsciously want to start doing in real life? Talk about it, let people know, let them know it feels really good. The anger in the dream was palpable. I was angry. Am I upset that I had to completely give up alcohol? Am I resentful of people around me who appear to be able to drink and control it?
The situation I was in on Saturday brought up some very negative emotions. I would have removed myself from it but it was a freezing cold night and the fire was so warm. On the drive home I started having thoughts of being able to drink again. I even played the tape forward to the point of drinking like I used to and felt ok about it. Even though I’m four months into my sobriety I might need to make a few changes. I went into sobriety wanting nothing about my life to change. Dry people, dry places is starting to sound better and better.
I will not drink today.