Checking in

I’m 43 days sober.

I had a bad week last week. This is going to sound like the most first world privileged white girl problem but I had a really tough yoga class. There it is, it’s out there. I almost cried during scarab pose. I loathe myself just for typing that. But let me explain. I’m fat. I go to the gym, run, hike, lift weights, and go to spin class. I eat a healthy, reasonable diet. However, I’m still carrying around more extra weight than I’m comfortable with. Saying goodbye to alcohol is going to change this. I believe it was the last bad habit holding me back from reaching my goal of a healthy weight.

So back to what happened in yoga class. I’m new to yoga so each class I go to I am asking my body to bend, twist, arch, and fold into positions it never has before and then stay there for longer than what’s comfortable. Last Tuesday every pose my yoga teacher decided to include made me very aware of how much of a novice I am, but more importantly, how huge my belly is. There are some positions that your belly just gets in the way of when you have one, which he does not, because he’s half my size (I swear I’m not exaggerating).

It was too much. I couldn’t handle it. Yoga made me want to drink. I didn’t just make me want to drink I wanted to get drunk. On a Tuesday evening after an hour of doing something that was supposed to help with my sobriety. The rest of the week was complete shit too. Or at least that’s how it felt. Thankfully that shitty feeling passed and I’m ok now. I didn’t give in, I didn’t drink, and for that I am truly grateful.

Luckily tonight is book club so I can’t go to yoga. I’ll go back to class (probably Friday) but the pink cloud I was once surrounded by has thinned out. Now all I can do is breathe, get centered, and try again.

Namaste, bitches.

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