That’s how I’m framing it. It’s the only way I can allow the words to come out of my mouth. I’m not going to AA, I refuse to label myself an alcoholic, and I don’t want anyone to know what I’m doing. I have one friend I am able to talk to frankly about it and I have told my boyfriend. The latter mostly so he doesn’t think I’m pregnant.
Right now I’m at 11 days. In the past I typically didn’t drink alone or everyday. I’m a social drinker. A social drinker who blacks out far too easily. It was not uncommon for me to come to Sunday morning with no idea how I had gotten home the previous night. Where’s my phone? I hope I didn’t lose my glasses. I spent how much at Park House? Fuck.
I spend the rest of the day swimming in guilt. What did I say, what did I do? I hope no one is mad at me. For the most part I never did or said anything terrible and I never lost any friends. I did hurt myself pretty bad a few times. I got lost walking home alone once. I rode my bike 4 miles in the wrong direction putting me 7 miles from home with a flat tire.
I have emerged largely unscathed. For that I am grateful.